Wired Writer

File It Under D for 'Duuuhhh'...

Going through some files I had shoved in the back of my closet, I came across remnants of my old corporate job as a 'Consumer Response Representative' (read: lightening rod for all who are lonely, psychotic, or anal beyond any proctologist's dream). I handled phone calls and letters on certain brands of foods like Eagle Brand Sweetened Condensed Milk, ReaLemon Lemon Juice, and Cracker Jack, as well as a few non-food items.

While I eventually moved up in the world and secured a position as 'Senior Consumer Representative' (read: lightening rod for all evil lonely, psychotic anal retentives), the original job held a few gems the new one couldn't match.

Some examples:

Me: "Ma'am, could you please read the bar code on the side of the product?"
She: "You mean that line thingy with the numbers and stuff?"
Me: "Yes, that's right. Could you read it for me please?"
She: "Sure. Okay, there's a big fat line to start with, and then it goes skinny, skinny, skinny, fat, skinny..."

---"I thought the SuperGlue bottle was my eyedrops."

---"How much milk is in this 5 ounce can?"

---"I was shocked, shocked beyond words, I tell ya, when I found corkscrew pasta among my spaghetti noodles."

---"What do you mean, they're not real tattoos? What a rip off!" (Parent's complaint about prize in Cracker Jack)

---"Your chips made me sick. I ate four bags of them and now I don't feel good."

And my all time favorite, referring to ReaLemon Juice:

--"How big are your lemons?"

posted by A.M.Adams @ 9/15/2005 12:46:00 PM